I try to see my kids as often as I can, even if they are at the Other's house during mom's half of the week. I will usually make up some excuse to stop by and see them. Last night I brought over my 5 year old's favorite blanket which he had left at my apartment. My thinking has been that it would make the transition to "divorced" life easier, but I'm starting to wonder.
When I arrived at the house, Mac (my 7 year old son who has ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) was riding his bike in the front yard. It was nearly dark, and his mom and I wanted him to come inside. We managed to get him into the house with the promise of TV. However, he soon lost interest in the TV and wanted to go back outside and ride his bike around the neighborhood. By this time it was dark outside, and we told him he was done biking for the day. He started getting upset and tried to negotiate, but we weren't having it. I asked to come with me and sit on the couch to discuss it, which he did. I told him the reasons why we didn't want him to bike - it was too dangerous to ride at night, it was too close to bedtime, etc. Mac listened, tried to argue, and then in an angry fashion headed to the door and said he was going to ride despite our objections.
I told him if he headed outside we would put his bike away. His mom told him she would delete his favorite game from the computer if he disobeyed. This last one got to him, and he came back inside, however, he was out of control at that point. He grabbed his mom's arm and bit it, and then attempted to bite me. We told him if he bit again we would call the police. That scared him enough to stop biting but he was still seeing red. Sitting with him on the couch he told me, "I make the rules! You are no longer part of this family! Leave the house - you are out of the family!" I said nothing and let him vent, but then something strange happened.
Almost immediately after he had said those things, he put his hand on my chest to feel my heartbeat. He couldn't feel anything (I was wearing a couple layers of clothing), and suddenly got this terrified look on his face. He burst into tears and kept saying over and over again "I'm sorry I said that! I'm sorry I said that!" while weeping intensely.
It took a while, but I finally convinced him that my heart was in fact beating. Within ten minutes he had calmed down and was back playing in the family room. He made no further mention of riding his bike.
I have to think that the source of his outburst was at least in part the feelings he has about the divorce that he's unable to express. He was so angry, and wanted to say the worst thing he could think of to me, and that was "you are no longer part of this family." He was probably also wishing I was dead - that's what scared him so badly when he couldn't feel my heart beating.
I never wanted this divorce, and its killing me to see how its affecting the kids. I've read books and talked to Mac's therapists. I've spoken to the kids about it, and reassured them that we are still a family even though mom and dad aren't living together, and that nothing can change that fact. I hoped that once the kids got used to the new living arrangements, things would calm down for them emotionally, but so far that hasn't happened.
Maybe stopping by for 30 minutes when they're at the mom's is a bad idea. Its always difficult when I have to leave. They get upset and are reminded again of the divorce. It might be easier on them if I just wait until its my turn to see them.
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